I tried, actually.
I actually tried several times to post a blog! But I kept getting “Error,” time after time.
Chris is deploying.
I won’t say exactly when, for his safety and due to OPSEC rules.
For a couple of months, I’ve refused to allow myself to even think about it. For several reasons, which are:
We just moved here, and I don’t have any close friends here.
I’m incredibly sad about Isabela not being able to understand that daddy is leaving, why daddy is leaving, and why every man in uniform she sees is not really daddy. ( I will be avoiding the base as much as possible, bc she screams daddy every time she sees a man in uniform).
I’m incredibly sad that my love won’t be here. I will miss his presence.
I’m afraid to be the lone parent. I know thats silly.
Holiday season, my favorite time of the year. Without my hubs. It won’t be the same.
But, those are some reasons.
And, you know, its ok. Everything is going to be ok. This isn’t his 1st deployment. I know I’m strong. I know I can do this. I know this.
But, it doesn’t stop my throat from swelling. The tears from coming. The fear of the unknown. My stomach from tossing and turning.
I don’t want our life to change, not like this. I don’t want to try and explain to my 2 year old that, no, she can’t go outside to wait for daddy, because he isn’t coming home for a while. I don’t want to feel that loneliness, in the pit of my stomach, at night….when Isabela is asleep and I’m finally alone, with no one to talk to about my day….or cuddle with.
I don’t want it.
But, this is what I signed up for. Just like when I joined the military. I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting into.
I just thought that with each deployment, it would get easier.
I didn’t think it would hurt so much EVERY time.
There is light at the end of the tunnel…..
I have two new friends. Stay at home moms, like me. Military wife’s, like me.
And, I have Jesus. Lover of my soul. Who offers me a safe haven. Comfort. and Peace overflowing.
Oh, how thankful I am that I can unload all of this on HIM, without feeling the least bit of shame or guilt.
Keep us in your prayers, dear friends. I really mean that. Please just don’t say you will. Please don’t just say you will think of me. Really pray.